Families can come in all shapes, sizes and forms these days... and I should know

By Emma McCormick, manager, Little Luvs nursery

Last updated 16:13, Monday, 26 May 2008

There is no such thing as the ‘normal’ family these days. Family as we know it can come in all shapes, sizes and forms.

I should know as my parents separated and I now have three lovely little sisters, one who is three and two the same age as my five-year-old son.

This can work harmoniously or can be extremely difficult and stressful. There are many issues as families separate, gain new additions, children accept new adults taking on parental roles, and adults take on new roles and new children.

In fact, in my opinion step families are probably at greater risk of separating than any other family unit.

When parents separate, children can lose touch with one adult or may continue to see them, they may gain a new adult taking on a parental role and the relationships will change and develop.

Step parents need to learn new skills. It is not easy getting to know someone else’s children, and it is not just about the adult’s feelings; the child’s feelings should be considered first and foremost.

The children need to be introduced to a new partner gradually and their needs and wishes should be respected.

I have witnessed situations where parents have introduced a new partner and expected the child to start calling them Dad after a few weeks.

I have also seen step-parents be disrespectful and offensive towards the child’s natural parent in front of the child.

Step-parents may have to deal with comments such as “You are not my Mum”. Be clear from the start about what your role will be.

Children need to know where they stand and what role the step-parent will play in their life or it could lead to resentment, confusion and difficulties in developing or maintaining a relationship.

It is new for everyone, it takes time for new routines to develop. Issues such as bed time, homework, eating habits and meal times can cause major problems if not discussed and worked through.

Everyone needs support and understanding. Things like discipline, routine, privacy, contact and quality time spent with the child all need to be considered.

So many families break down due to lack of communication and thought for the children. This can put the parent in a difficult position wondering which way to turn and what to do for the best, and in some circumstances feeling they have to choose between children or partner.

I have seen so many families go through tough times with awful consequences because they can’t compromise or communicate responsibly when it comes to new partners.

They assume children can cope with whatever is thrown at them and can be thoughtless when it comes to considering how their actions may affect the children.

If there are other siblings, you are also introducing children to new children and expecting them to form the perfect rosy family.

Step-children can feel loss and grief for the missing parent, feelings of confusion, of being unwanted, hurt, jealousy.

It is so important the parent ensures the children feel loved and know they will never be replaced or rejected. Make special time to spend with them.

As a parent, it is your responsibility to talk to your children each step of the way. Don’t assume they know what is happening or will accept the change naturally; this would be naive and disrespectful to a child’s emotions.

Let the natural parent take responsibility for discipline, it is less likely to build up resentment.

When there are problems, discuss them as a family and involve the children, allowing them to have their say – children of all ages can feel they have no voice and aren’t listened to. Then come to some agreement to move things forward.

Don’t ignore your own relationship, this is likely to be the most vulnerable part of the family, keep it healthy and be united when difficulties arise, don’t take sides. You should also make sure you value private moments as a couple.